Goodbye.
Friday, January 28, 2011 @ 12:05 AM
I don't know how long more can I live.
but
I'm really glad I've found all of you in my life.
Thank you so much.
Sunday, January 16, 2011 @ 9:17 PM
Came across something really unexpected and surprising today.
Saw some of the past, notice how you pulled through everything.
& Now that I know it,
I know you can pull through this as well, really.
& I felt relieved.
Maybe when you're better, I can stop waking up to realize you were in my dream.
Friday, January 14, 2011 @ 11:17 PM
I always wanted to go to beach, play a guitar, sing a song, feel the sand between our toes.. together.
They are no more.
A part of me is dying, I know, but I don't care.
As you start migrating out from my heart, it also became more and more empty.
My heart is like a room, you're moving out, and leaving pieces behind.
Pretending to be okay.
Smiling to forget things.
It helps for a while, but end of the day memories starts flashing in, and tears are flowing again.
I hope you will do better without me.
For a while.. I really need.. a hug. I am lonely.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011 @ 10:36 PM
Feels like a fake.
Faking a smile.
Faking to laugh.
Faking to be enjoying myself.
I am tired.
Just.. where the fuck am I?
@ 1:13 AM
Because I still love you.
So I am like this.
Hating myself for not clearing misunderstanding.
Hating myself to just admit it.
Always thought I do not need to be clear with things in private space.
But it's okay, things happened because of distrust.
& probably letting you go is the better option.
I can't guarantee you happiness like how I did one year ago.
I have nothing w me anymore.
I have no more strength to cheer things up.
Problems just keep on stacking on each other.
I have no more courage to face you.
For the fact that is how you see me too.
I have nothing left for you.
I am picking up myself now, bit by bit.
I am not myself now.
I am an idiot.
No, I will not deny those were meant for her.
I did find her special.
But I guess I was silly.
I think it's pretty cool to know someone similar to you.
Life could be easier, probably have lesser explanation needed in conversation.
Life could be less pressurized, for better understanding.
But love wasn't involved back then.
Simply day dreaming.
I still love you.
Maybe not as what you mean by "wholeheartedly".
But you were the most important in my life.
I could swear that I will catch a grenade for you.
I never wish she was you either.
I am contented with what I have.
& you were everything I had.
5 mins more.
It was coincidence for me to saw the timing.
As I was preparing 3 message long birthday wish for Cheng Wai, my buddy in sec school.
Now I noticed, the 2 messages were pretty much the same as well.
But I had only 1 meaning back then.
Simply to wish people to be happy, because birthdays are.. important.
Yea, I think I was probably too random.
I guess.. I was too foolish too.
Seems like nothing I did was enough.
& even my thoughts could hurt you.
I cannot imagine my future with you anymore.
Second chance, you say?
I don't know.
I believe you will try, really.
I don't believe myself, really.
I have nothing w me anymore.
I can't cool down, even though I feel cold.
I am emotionally unstable now.
I don't know what am I doing.
No, I know what am I doing.
But it isn't me piloting my body.
First time in my life,
that tears flowed down without me actually knowing it.
Yea, pretty cool, felt like I was in a drama.
Haha, I am day dreaming again.
Today,
I was.. thoughtless.
I was.. speechless.
It's pretty amazing already,
for how I can still come out with words for this post.
2 years ago, moving on was easier.
Pain was probably easier to absorb as I know I will not make it far with her.
Today, moving on was a lot harder.
I never wanted to end it, I don't want to end it.
I'm stuck. I'm contradicting myself.
I don't want to keep the relationship moving anymore.
Yet I don't want to end it too.
Feelings fighting emotions.
I am definitely different from yesterday.
I am sorry.
I am changing.
I am crying.
Goodnight world.
Jackets reminds me of her, yea.
But everything reminds me of you.
Yet..
Sunday, January 2, 2011 @ 2:52 AM
is it okay for me to cry?
I know I am not that kind of person they say I am.
I'm just an ordinary person who failed at expressing things correctly.